The Separation Of Church And Senses

I wrote this 5 years ago, but it seems as trenchant as ever today.

South Carolina the last bastion of rugged pedantry is waiting for the signature of its governor Mark Sanford allowing drivers to profess their Christian faith through faith-based license plates. All I can say to that is RURLYSR? What the fuck is going on here? Ave Maria, Florida here I come! Not one to even remotely look forward to any holiday except Larry Flynt’s birthday, I am as repulsed by this commercial grab for God as anything I’ve seen since Bishop Fulton J. Sheen had a 60 share. The next thing you know God will be ringing the opening bell on the New York Stock Exchange.

“I think it allows people of faith to profess that they believe in a higher calling, they believe in God,” said Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer. He feels undernourished as a Christian because no one knows it when he’s driving his Lexus to the supermarket to get his wife tampons. Put it on your business card, cheerful robot if you absolutely positively, really want every chowderhead to know about your allegiance to hearsay.

Faith is not absolute! With faith comes doubt. Putting it indelibly on a license plate doesn’t make it so.  This is the great problem with the world as it splinters, economically and ecumenically, most religious and social groups including Muslims, Christian fundamentalists, orthodox Jews or worshippers of the Green Jesus hunker down and protect the franchise for fear of being no more, of being in oblivion. Once this happens experience narrows and stasis ensues.

It is so completely existential that the word is never uttered is in itself cause for alarm. Isn’t this license plate really just another magic amulet, a binky or baby’s blanket masquerading as social injustice by providing succor for a crumbling hero system? Bauer said allowing Christians to have a specialty license plate is freedom of speech. He said those who oppose are prejudiced against Christians. The only thing Christian I’m prejudiced against is Christian cuisine…way too white for my taste.

Christians also believe here is a war on Christmas. Call me kooky, but I believe there has been been a war on Hanukkah for 4000 years. So when things get a little too hairy out there for the true believers, they can shout from the backs of their cars “I believe”. Someday I hope it will be possible to go to Hell if you do not have a heavenly calling card on the back of your Hummer.

Needless to say the Constitution strictly forbids this kind of bogus tripe, but the Constitution sometimes makes for strange bedfellows. Who knows what Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito in a one-fall grudge match will do?  Hopefully, Scalia’s literal interpretation of the 2^nd amendment will carry over to Separation of Church and State, but as the world turns today all bets may be off.

         I can see the Jewish license plate now. “DACHOSN.”