1500 YEARS OF PEACE, LOVE AND….

Anyone who has had the good fortune of reading William James' "The Moral Equivalent of War" must know that the energy Man uses to imprison his brethren and conquer their nations is morally wanton and an unwinnable endgame. James, no piker when it came to laying out the intellectual groundwork opens up his treatise, “The war against war is going to be no holiday excursion or camping party. The military feelings are too deeply grounded to abdicate their place among our ideals until better substitutes are offered than the glory and shame that come to nations as well as to individuals from the ups and downs of politics and the vicissitudes of trade." Nuff said.

James continues: "There is something highly paradoxical in the modern man's relation to war. Ask all our millions, north and south, whether they would vote now (were such a thing possible) to have our war for the Union expunged from history, and the record of a peaceful transition to the present time substituted for that of its marches and battles, and probably hardly a handful of eccentrics would say yes."

But one hundred years later the question of the validity of war has never been more trenchant. Recorded history is littered with the corpses of the allegedly just and unjust alike and if the historical record is any indication there is no end in sight. Ethnic cleansing and genocide are as prevalent as they ever were. Despots reign. All nations, religions and ethnicities jockey to protect the franchise, but at what cost? The United States has never learned from its past and paradoxically has always been at peace with being at war. Otherwise, how do you explain our government’s reluctance in bringing troops home from wars they know deep down to be morally suspect and have dubious endgames?

Does anyone really believe that a rogue nation, terrorist group or sovereign country all in name of religion and righteousness will not detonate a nuclear device sometime in the next 20 years? Religion since time immemorial has been the greatest impetus for murder and yet we cling to it like a defiant dingleberry. This is the great problem. What is holy to us has been inexorably misplaced. We revere and build totems to material inconsequence and sweep the vagaries of existence under a rug of denial. The cosmos always has the last word and will do what it will do. If Man chooses to befoul the planet or annihilate himself no amount of punditry, think tanking, or commercial intellectualism will ever come close to solving this conundrum. Benjamin Paul Blood said it best "Certainty is the root of despair."

Mankind is at the confluence of dogma and doctrine. He can hate the other and continue down the path to oblivion or wake up and realize that no one has the answer. We are adrift in a magnificent dream. I can no more tell you that that there is absolutely no God as some cat in white chintz and a skullcap can. It is safe to say that it is all a mystery, a Mysterium Tremendum to be sure and to qualify it only leads to mass destruction. As we enter much headier times we also risk going beyond the point of no return. If an existential mea culpa is not brought to the mainstream of discourse we are doomed.

So here is my pitch to save mankind. My mission is to level the playing field so all races can enjoy the same common experience of being alive in the cosmos with none of the bitter aftertaste. I propose a 7 Billion-Man, International, Interracial Worldwide Gangbang of Nations! Think about that for a second…a no holes barred orgy of earthly delight for the whole goddamn world! The catching side buns up kneelin’, the pitching side wheelin’ and dealin’. Sort of like of Woodstock, but instead of 3 days of peace love and music the 7 billion-Man, International, Interracial, Worldwide Gangbang of Nations the slogan will be 1500 years of Peace Love and Fuckin’! I figure 1500 hundred years is a safe number, a good start, since the only reasonable way mankind will ever survive racial hatred and a debilitating fear of the other is if we cut out the middle man and all of us, from the darkest syrup skinned Ugandan to the snow blinding pallor of the Scot, become the same shade of mocha.  Smoove like Beyonce.

I plan to launch this festival of ultimate togetherness as soon as I get enough participants so I am not killed by the usury liability premiums. Sign up sheets will be available all around the country, especially at convenience stores and unemployment offices. I have a deal with Live Nation to broadcast the opening ceremony, which will be held at the Roman Coliseum when the Pope is out of town. Ron Jeremy will serve as the MC and Grand Marshall. This is a chance for humankind to rise uppa out of the muck of his wantonly murderous ways and give a little back.

Here’s your chance to get up off your asses and do something incredible. Ladies bring your moneymakers. Men bring your Johnsons. No more wholesale murder in the name of the Lord.  It’s a rear admiral and a rusty trombone as you shtup your way to save a species and a planet.