I
was working on a cure for depression, but my agent convinced me that there’s no
money in despair. He said the big dough is in reality show programming. Do you
have any idea what Seacrest is pulling down these days producing reality TV not
including tips? Dick Money was right. Why waste time on projects like world
hunger and AIDS when all cataclysmic events are designed to thin out the herd
anyway and if all diseases were eradicated what would we do with everybody? Natural
disasters and disease have an ameliorating effect especially on parking and
housing prices and anyway, it’s not my job to tamper with cosmic perfection. My
agent knew of my predilection for eating and that I still owed him 500
Simoleons. If I didn’t show him a couple of sawbucks soon, I might end up in a
dumpster somewhere. So I took his advice, did a little research to find out how
this world of reality TV works then disappeared for a few months to woodshed
some reality show concepts that I’m sure will garner the attention of any
hungry, production company momzer worth his weight in bullshit.
1.
Going,
Going Gone
takes place in Florida retirement village where everyone rides mall scooters.
The women play cards and kibitz while the men play grab ass with the nurses.
Controversy ensues when the men receive collapsible grabbers for Father’s Day,
which dramatically increases their ass grabbing range by 200%.
2.
Perverted
Justice-Scumbag
white-collar criminals are thrown into a maximum-security prison where murderers,
rapists and shakedown psychos dispense their own brand of…PERVERTED JUSTICE!!!
Bernie Madoff is technical consultant on this project.
3.
Bimbo
Island- 20
bimbos all named Kayley or Caleigh or K-Lee try to get off an island using
nothing but their tits.
4.
Cougar
High- A
high school in Anywhere, USA has budget problems and can’t afford a
cheerleading squad for the football team. The mothers of the players volunteer.
“Hey Mrs. Jenkins, aren’t you going to shave for the big game?” When Mrs.
Jenkins does her first jump split sightings of Jerry Garcia are reported for no
apparent reason. Special future cameo appearances will include: Abraham
Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, The Smith Brothers, Adolph Hitler and Dan Hedaya.
5.
Touched
By A Priest-
Bad timing was this priest’s only crime. He really was doing good work.
6.
I
Didn’t Know That Was My Baby- Hidden camera style show that records the
reactions of idiot women after they are presented with babies they never knew
they even gave birth to.
7.
Judge
Girlfriend-
no nonsense African-American, street chick dispenses practical justice like
shoes up asses, slaps upside heads and ululating the ever humiliating “No you
di…int!
8.
Do
What You Gotta Do-
A game show that follows average citizens on their daily rounds of jones
crushing, marrow sapping errands, waiting for hours at the DMV, standing behind
a woman with 100 items in an 8 items or less line, arguing with an HMO
administrator about denied coverage for a pre existing disease and being able
to murder them with impunity.
9.
Pimp
My Life- a
random couple gets a complete physical, sartorial, and home interior makeover.
After all is revealed, a masked man enters with a Tec-9 and wastes everyone on
the set.
10. The Real Sister Wives of
Lancaster County – Behind
the scenes look at plural marriage as sister wives reveal the ups and downs of
loving a not particularly handsome, yellowing, fur matted, religious martinet.
In the pilot episode Lucinda reveals her feelings about Cora Sue: “Bitch stole
my look!”America’s
Funniest Intervention videos-
Uncontrollable sobbing by the real victims of an alcoholic’s destructive
behavior…the owners of the liquor store!
11. America’s
Funniest Intervention videos-
Uncontrollable sobbing by the real victims of an alcoholic’s destructive
behavior…the owners of the liquor store!
12. Ultimate Reality- Day
18,250-
Follow the daily adventures of a man in a loveless marriage with 3 kids that
can’t stand him who has worked at an unfulfilling, soul crushing job for the past 25 years. The
twist? There are no cameras.
I can see the green light now…
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