Recently Discovered New Yorker Cartoon Captions

             An envelope labeled The New Yorker was found in a dumpster directly behind The New Yorker offices. In it was a one sheet of possible cartoon captions written by someone calling himself Latimore Bivens DeGroot. With the package was a note stating that just because he wasn’t able to draw he shouldn’t be penalized and that his captions were funnier that 90% of the obscurantist claptrap currently being published by the magazine. DeGroot considered his position as a great indignation and wouldn’t wish it on a dog.

            When asked to comment Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of The New Yorker said, “It’s true. We do throw out captions, not because they aren’t funny, but because they are too funny. This magazine built its cartoon reputation on only presenting the most arcane and obtuse captions available. And we are willing to pay through the nose to get them. Sorry, but this cat isn’t the only one that has ended up filed behind this building.”

            Degroot spent his final years cranking out non-sequiturs for the famed magazine, but never made a sale. Below is a sampling.

1. A pervert and opportunist Marvin once got a rim job from a blind dog.

2. Meticulous and petty, Leonard planned for 6 months to step on the heel of his archenemy’s shoe.

3. What William lacked in his taste in women he made up for in range.

4. Not one to come to grips with the inevitable, Barney referred to death as “enjoying some quiet time.”

5. Seymour wore 3D glasses 24 hours a day in an effort to lessen his feelings of insignificance.

6. Once his lawn was perfect, Harold began getting invited to the best parties in the subdivision.

7. Sheldon Grossman was such a loser his wife left him for a Sheldon Grossman impersonator.

8. Ezekiel lost a much coveted fundraising job to an organ grinder’s monkey.

9. Henry’s low self-esteem was finally attributed to the fact that he was a descendant in a long line of men’s room attendants.

10. Even though Melvin’s only friend was imaginary he still liked to talk to him wearing his Bluetooth earpiece.

11. To Willie’s dismay there was little demand for post mortem caricaturists.

12. Every time that telephone rang Bernard was seized with an uncontrollable fear that his wife was still alive.

13. Manny came to realize the jig was up as perforations were beginning to give him trouble.

14. Cosgrove should have known the end of his marriage was near. For 30 years his wife’s pet name for him was “the mark”.

15. A penurious Latimore spent his final days sleeping with his favorite dime.