Bad Hair Day

Why is body hair bad all of a sudden? Why can’t you find a strand of it on anybody on the Internet without having to look shifty eyed, checking the angles of your partially closed bedroom door just to get wistful over a nicely sculpted female pelt? Am I a pervert or what just because I like women to look like women? No pubic hair?  The way it should read is this: “No, pubic hair!”

Who had the “eureka!” moment that if we can completely denude the human body someone millions and millions of dollars could be made? Who had the entrepreneurial vision to suggest that if we could convince humans that hair was bad a new industry would be born as well as a captain of that industry? Is razor burn attractive to you? Or is your thing an unsymmetrical pair of female mud flaps without the natural valance of pubic hair? Maybe the sight of a man’s goosepimply nut sack bouncing off some unknown’s splayed tookie is your ticket to o-ville?

For that matter why would any man knowingly take a cutthroat to the pink repository of his future issue even if the tonsorial act in question lessens drag and increases torque?

Well you don’t have to be the smartest pig in the barnyard to locate this acorn just check out that smorgasbord of outré taste, that wayward lesbian brother of the smart set, that gutter jockey who masquerades as the arbiter of the public taste, Porn! That’s who!

Smooth and shiny, the men and women who make their livings in the skin trade resemble Ken and Barbie dolls with thyroid problems so bereft of anthropological clues that they are actually human you’d think you were watching a sex ed film directed by the Wachowski Brothers. As with fashion, porn has the ability to demarcate taste and if the players are completely shorn then anyone who previously enjoyed the evolutionary residue of a hairy twat is now regarded as a weirdo who must trawl the zeros and ones with a virtual black bar over his eyes because now he is the aberrant one.

Look, I’m not a wild man. I don’t need a woman’s pubic hair cascading out from under the hem of her skirt. But lets face it, Labiums Majus and Minus by themselves are not that attractive and without hair most resemble a half a pound of chipped ham. Pubic hair adds symmetry and contrast to the female body and completes that beautiful triangle with the breasts. But its main purpose is to capture the pheromones that attract the opposite sex.

I look at this fetishization of body parts as symptomatic of an immature culture that is in denial of its animal nature. The fact that deep down we are not much better than animals copulating in the streets causes anxiety in the hardest of men and we do our damnedest to falsely rise above it.

You see this no more blatantly than in the fascist nature of women’s footwear. Especially in porn where the foot is covered in spiked heels as if the naked foot is too reminiscent of our animal natures, a cloven hoof so to speak and by disguising it we can deny our rough, scaly finitude.

However, if you do accept this premise a tremendous irony reveals itself as no woman has ever been called hot who wears Birkenstocks. EVER!