the greatest pessimist
of alltime
The greatest pessimist of all time was a newborn
infant by the name of Andy MacGillicuddy. The very instant young Andy emerged
from the paradise that was his residence the previous 9 months, he took one
look around then proceeded to hoist himself back up into his mother’s vagina
never to be heard from again.
still worse
A devoutly religious mother pounds on her son’s
locked bedroom door. “Leroy? What are you doing in there? Drinkin’?...Smokin’
pot?...Playin’ with yourself’?” The situation was more dire yet as her son was
reading The God Delusion.
destiny in action
Marty, a middle-aged man, checks into a sleazy
motel. He takes a shower, has a couple of scotches and watches some close
circuit porn. Aroused, he stands up and begins to thrust his pelvis repeatedly
back and forth as if he was air fucking. Unbeknownst to Marty, Phyllis, a woman
in the room next-door was on her bed on all fours naked, buns up kneeling getting
air drilled.
how many people remember
the brady bunch?
Comedian Skip Intro was such a hack the cruise line
he worked for built a ship directly around him. When it was finished he was
already on stage!
profiles in banality
Adolph Eichmann referred to Adolph Hitler as “his
former employer”.
diabolical
A man drives from Cleveland, Ohio to Pittsburgh
once a week and over a 4-month span and proceeds to molest 20 school children.
He is arrested. Strangely, at the trial, the Pittsburgh parents do not seem to
be particularly concerned about any long-term psychological effects that may
have been inflicted on the kids by this pedophile, instead their greatest fear
is if any of them had become Browns fans.
I’m working on my
experiments
Pavlov’s dog was actually his wife Serafima.
Serafima was so conditioned that every time the doctor unzipped his fly she
would begin to salivate.
torn between 2 lovers
Professor Hamish Finkel lived a life of such polar
opposites he could whistle a symphony while ripping a chimp.
you are what you eat
Frederick Nietzsche while evacuating a particularly
bad bit of local fare inadvertently looked into the chamber pot and there,
floating in the fetid coagulate that yoked him to his finitude was hope itself.
ladies and gentleman,
stephen hawking!
Before an important lecture Stephen Hawking would
always arrive accompanied by a couple of nasty hoes. “You get ready for your
lectures you’re way. I’ll get ready for my lectures my way!” he said in his
trademark robotic whine.
i’ll have the tongue
The greatest salad tosser of all time was an aging
Asian cougar by the name of Skan Kee Ho who is said to have trained for 30
years by doing 10,000 repetitions a day with her tongue into a tiny thimble.
hot emetic
The Mayo Clinic uses photographs of Britney Spears
vagina to induce vomiting.
scotchguarded on the
inside
The Garden, an old porn theater in Pittsburgh,
Pennsylvania is said to be haunted by masturbating ghosts of former patrons,
who even in the netherworld are still very immature.
last call for excuses
Murray Kovacek’s wife Betty knew she had to do
something about her husband’s descent into alcoholism when she found him on all
fours in the flower bed of their front yard caterwauling about how he needed to
“get strong”. Desperate, she plans an intervention. The whole family gathered
in the den while Murray sat on the couch pie eyed, his nose reminiscent of a
raspberry that had just exploded. Betty’s hope was to hold up a mirror so
Murray could see what drinking was doing to him physically and to the family
emotionally. The going got very tough, as the proceedings evolved into a
torrent of tears. Betty broke down and cried, their son broke down and cried,
their daughter broke down and cried, but a stranger standing in the corner of
the living room was taking it worst of all. The man’s name was Duane Barko. Mr. Barko owned the liquor
store and stood to lose 3 grand a month if Murray Kovacek dried out.
the farthest kill shot
The longest-ever recorded and confirmed sniper kill
was made by Corporal Rob Furlong of the Canadian Forces during Operation
Anaconda in 2002. Using a .50-caliber (12.7 mm) McMillan TAC-50 rifle, Furlong
shot and killed an enemy combatant from a distance of 2,430 meters (1.5 miles)
Mysteriously the combatant killed was his mother in law, Ruth Hunsecker who was
under the dryer at the Ce Le Vie beauty shop in Saskatoon when the .50 caliber
round pierced the dryer bonnet rendering Mrs. Hunsecker useless to all who
loved her.
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