How To Cheat On Your Wife With Impunity Or Not...

           I read somewhere recently that if you are thinking about cheating on your wife, from a socio-anthropological standpoint, who isn’t? Men are natural broadcasters as any mother with teenage boys would surely know so it doesn’t seem surprising that the most frequently asked question by men since the beginning of time is this; is there any foolproof way of getting laid outside of marriage with complete exemption from punishment or as experts call it “not getting caught?

            In a perfect world all married guys would love to get some on the side. I said “in a perfect world.” There is no such thing as a perfect world because you are married to a woman. They don’t like it when husbands cheat even if they themselves weigh 400 pounds and the last time hubby got some was when he found the missing remote.

            Because no matter how clever you are or how clever you think you are every man sooner or later gets clipped. Even the successful philanderer, the man of slippery demeanor and modus if he parlays outside of his matrimonial vows long enough will eventually find himself looking for an attorney.

            Even if every I is dotted and every T is crossed, and the illicit affair is conducted in a vacuum, every man forgets one thing: the real mistake is not the lack of preparation in the nefarious dealings it is something no man can account for and is the major contributing factor why most of them get caught and that is serendipity, that no matter how careful a man is pure chance will eventually fuck him up.

2 famous case studies from the archives of the Kinsey Institute illustrate my point:

Case #1 Sweet Retribution

L had been cheating on his wife M for years. M had her suspicions, but couldn’t corroborate them because L did what all great philanderers do never vary the matrimonial routine. He showed up as a husband at all of the prescribed times. L was always home for dinner on time, attended all of his kid’s school functions, PTA, little league games, school plays etc. The illicit assignations were always scheduled during the workday.

Here’s how serendipity fucked up L.

M was driving along one day and by pure chance sees L’s car parked in the driveway of mutual female friend in the middle of the day. Weighing her options M had a sudden illumination that would get the message to L that the jig was up and that he’d better get prepared for a financial cornholing. Instead of hysterically pounding on the door and creating a scene in full view of neighbors, M calmly replaced his car with hers and drove home.

Case #2 The best laid plans…

Z had it figured out. He had found the right woman, a firm, lubricious, young girl who didn’t mind his advancing age and advanced hairiness. In order to conduct the perfect affair Z thought, a man had to plan it like he was planning an elaborate bank heist. Z’s mantra was “leave no trail”, no clues, no hotel rooms, cell phone records, emails or text messages. The whole affair had to be hermetically sealed if it had any chance.

This is how serendipity fucked Z up.

One day Z’s wife K asks him if she can borrow his car. K needs to run a few errands and hers is in the shop. She’ll drop Z off at work then pick him up at the end of the day. Her car will be ready by then and then they can both go to the repair shop and pick up her car. K drops her husband off. She is having a leisurely day doing errands when she hits a pothole and gets a flat tire. Luckily she was able to pull off the road to the shoulder. A man in another car sees that K is in need of help. He pulls behind her and offers to change the tire. K is relieved. She thanks the man for stopping then goes to the back of the car and opens up the trunk. Laying there covering the spare tire K finds her husband’s “fuck” tent! You see Z was an inveterate city dweller who hated the woods and especially camping. Another jig was up and a few weeks later Z found himself being Martinized and he wasn’t even at the drycleaner.

So the great question is, if I still want to risk everything and serendipity is an unpredictable bitch what advice would you give to a rookie?

Go off the reservation! Concoct a plan so outrageous that even pure chance will shrug its shoulders and say, “Never saw that coming!” Here are two that were discovered in the Kinsey archives. I don’t know if either of them worked, but you have to admire the creative bravado of each.

Case #3 Patience is Not a Virtue

The day after their honeymoon was over D told his wife P that after work he was going out to see if he could get some on the side. He never did and this became a running joke between the two. Every morning for three years running D would make the same proclamation. After three years D finally consummates his plan and brashly tells P when he returns home. She is crushed whereupon D looks at her in disbelief and says, “Now you cry? I told you for three fuckin’ years I was going to do it!"

Case #4 The Doctor Is In

S Buy a Dr’s smock, fake Van Dyke goatee, Meerschaum pipe and clip board. He rents a cheap hotel room and hires women with different backgrounds to perform oral sex on him in an experiment to determine if ethnic heritage plays a role in sexual desire. S’s logic was simple: If his wife would suddenly burst in and a Bulgarian woman in a babushka was choking on his choad, as long as he was checking off boxes on an although fake, but official looking form on his clipboard he’d be cool and could just chalk off the whole affair to “research”.

If either of these scenarios are beyond your métier or your tolerance for skullduggery and your wife is giving you guff because she found the petrified terry towel from under your bed, yell up from your laundry room slash mancave, that you’ve just finished inventing a new, titanium, wifebeater with state of the art bitch slapping technology because the regular wifebeater you’re currently wearing doesn’t seem to be enough.