The toughest part about living in
Pittsburgh and being a Browns fan is that every time someone from Pittsburgh
finds this out they invariably say, “I’m sorry to hear that.” Or “That’s too
bad…”, as if I had any other choice…
You
see on the day of my birth my mother’s pussy happened to be in Cleveland and
when I came out I WAS IN CLEVELAND!!! YOU PITTSBURGH SUNZABITCHES!!!. What was
I supposed to do, hoist myself back up into the tiny efficiency of my mother
and refuse to emerge until they moved to Pittsburgh whereupon I would reappear
wearing a Steelers T-shirt that says “Got Six?”
Being
a Browns fan in Pittsburgh is like being the last straight man on Gay Island. I
would really like to get into it, I really, really would…but I just can’t.
Steelers’ fans don’t get it, but a fan of any team usually becomes a fan by
virtue of their relationship with a family member in my case my father who took
me to my first Browns game when I was 10. It was against the Redskins and Jim
Brown rushed for 163 years and two touchdowns, one on an 80 yard run and one on
an 83 yard run from a screen pass. The Browns won and I was with my dad. From
that moment on I was a Browns fan. That is how it works PITTSBURGH HALFWITS!!!
Get
outta tahn?!!!
I
wish I could! A Black and Gold shroud hangs over this city. The Steelers
control the vertical and horizontal. All energy is filtered through their yin
and yang 25/8.
The
Pennsylvania Department of Transportation can’t fix a goddamn pothole, but if
you need a Super Bowl parade for half a million people in 24 hours…like a Swiss
watch!
A
Pittsburgher’s self esteem is directly related to the success and failure of
the Steelers. Domestic violence is up when the team loses and other studies
show that domestic tension rises even when a wife misplaces the remote control.
I
could no more become a Steelers fan even if the hottest chick in Pittsburgh
were to drain my radiator hose every game at half time. Come back here Baby,
that’s nacho cheese!
Dear,
sweet, lovable, infantile, Pittsburgh, self worth determined by how many Super
Bowls the Steelers have won. It doesn’t get much lower than that unless you are
a pedophile who is a big Steelers fan. Depth and perception is not in the
quiver of a Pittsburgher. Introspection be damned! Bring up a subject like
natural selection, suggest that we haven’t a clue how mankind will evolve in
the next 5 million years and you know what you will witness, the eyes of this
black and gold fanatic lighting up, not because he cares a whit about the future
of Mankind, no he’s getting hard thinking about how many more Super Bowls The
Steelers will win in the next 5 million years…a thousand maybe? And if The
Cleveland Browns manage to win one in the next 5 million years? That is
intolerable cruelty to a Steelers fan.
So
here I am a closeted Browns fan slinking around the dark recesses of this
narrow minded bastion knowing full well that I will never be able to come out
and live life as my true self.
Did’ya
hear what happened up in The Rocks the other day? They hung a man for wearin’ a Cleveland Browns cap! Turned out the guy was from
Buffalo. Bought the cap for a quarter and the Red, white and Blue Store. Well, tough
toenails I say. Either he’s the dumbest SOB that was ever born or he’s got some
pair on 'im!
You
can sum up living in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in five words, five simple words
that reveal the mores and folkways of the city and its inhabitants and could
almost be read as an existential cry for help and a symbol of a species
cresting the hill toward de-evolution. You may think I doth protest too much,
so I will allow you to be the judge.
“GO STEELERS! $1.50 slices!”
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