hyp·na·gog·ic adj: in or relating to the state of
drowsiness immediately before sleep.
In and out of consciousness at 3 am makes for strange
bedfellows. To wit:
I think Adolph Hitler whistled on his way to work everyday.
Idea for a movie with a horrible plot: A hitchhiker is not accused of a series of grisly
murders he did commit.
Sporting goods stores sell camouflage kneepads. This is
apparently for the closeted woodsman, who would like nothing more than to blow
a few hunters, but is still skittish about making the ultimate sacrifice of
being honest with himself.
Story idea: a man’s
horrific childhood. As a two-month-old fetus he knew he had to learn to take a
punch. It gets worse from there.
Dreamland #1
I am a little kid. Just before leaving for school my father
gives me a pep talk “Our civilization is founded on the shambles. Every
individual existence goes out in a spasm of helpless agony. If you protest my
son wait till you arrive there yourself.” then smacks me on the fanny as I go
out the door.
If you want to raise humble children make sure when you’re
taking a shit, big, hairy or otherwise, that the bathroom door is always open!
Nothing grounds a little person more than seeing the infallible monolith of
their world, rocking back and forth, sweating and straining, desperately trying
to toss a caber of peanut skins and lentils.
Dreamland #2
My wife spots a stain on my shirt from 100 yards away. “You
are NOT going to wear that?!” she bellows, notifying me with her new bullhorn.
Q: What is the one
thing every man should add to his honey do list?
A: The purchase of a
good baseball!
Multitasking in America: brushing your teeth while taking a crap.
Dreamland #3
2 minutes into my nebbishy uncle’s eulogy the rabbi gets a
sign from my aunt to stretch.
If you wear flip-flops all year around you are a loser.
Catchy Slogan Department: “From the guys who brought you the Holocaust here comes…!”
Book idea: Skin
Flute for Dummies…
Dreamland #4
My 60th birthday is coming up. I would really
love to relive it. How will my mother take to this idea and is she still
pliable enough?
Q: How do you know
you’re watching too much porn?
A: Your mouse smells
like shit!
“C’mon ya fuck!” actual statement heard from my wife as she
wrestled with a noncompliant brassiere.
Idea for a photograph:
Kanye West on the can. Title? Artist Waiting For CD To Drop
Catchy Slogan Department: the latest from The Trans-Siberian Orchestra – MUSIC FOR ALBINOS!
Dreamland #5
My mother, so technically inept, kills a man changing the
time on her VCR.
Idea for a movie #2
I want to make a film in New York called “Hard Salami”. Actually. It’ll
be a gay porn film called “Hard Salami”. Really it will be a film marketed to
gays called “Hard Salami”, but has nothing to do with anything remotely gay,
but will be sold to gays in a somewhat deceitful way, OK a very deceitful way.
He’s the skinny: I will announce the production of the most lavish, filthiest,
biggest budget, gay porn film ever made, “Hard Salami”! The announcement of the
film generates huge buzz. The prerelease hype will be enormous ensuring that no
promotional money needs to be spent in advance of the opening.
Next I book Madison Square Garden for the premier. At $30 a
ticket gross BO is 600K!
Here’s the scam: Instead of hiring a producer, director,
actors or crew of any type I go to the Carnegie Delicatessen with a high
definition, time lapse video camera and for 6 weeks film a 5 pound Hebrew
National salami hanging on a hook on the wall behind the deli counter as it
slowly dehydrates into the titular star of the film.
At the opening 20,000 boo and hiss in abject horror and
disappointment, but the twist is that the time-lapse film of the shrinking
salami is not the actual film at all. The actual film is one that is filmed of
the whole squirrelly enterprise from start to finish with the final shot one of
me in a convertible cruising into a setting sun, wind in my hair, my right arm
around a huge bag of money in the passenger seat next to me.
Facebook or as I’d
rather call it “self Inflicted facials by untalented narcissists”!
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