Ask The Euthanasist

  There are too many experts out there and not enough useful information. When the going gets tough the times requires a man who can not only dispense the right information, but can mediate the dispensation of people too. I title this exercise in modern thinking, “Ask the Euthanasist”

Dear Euthanasist,

           My mother is really getting on my last nerve. She cries in the night, screaming for her brother who has been dead for 40 years. This woman knows I have to get up for work at 5am.  WTF?

Signed,

About To Crack

Dear About To Crack,

          What are you asking me for, asshole…?

Dear Euthanasist,

          I’m in the 8 items or less line at the supermarket and this sorry bag of estrogen in front of me with at least 50 items is trying to check out. Should I just bring one up from the floor and crash it against her gourd-like skull? Just asking…

Signed,

Pissed in aisle 7

Dear Pissed,

        Are you a jagoff or what?

Dear Euthanasist,

          I’m at the DMV and the battleaxe at the counter is giving me the stink eye because I didn’t check the blank that asks for my sex. Who put the bee in her bonnet? This ain’t right. What should I do?

Signed,

Peeved at the DMV

Dear Peeved,

        YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!

Dear Euthanasist,

        Recently, I was driving behind an 85-year old woman. She was going a12 miles an hour in a 25 mile an hour zone. Her left turn signal was on for at least ten miles and so was her cruise control. For a half hour, this busted out relic never turned and there was nowhere to pass. I thought I would lose my mind.

Signed,

Trapped behind the times

Dear Trapped,

     You need to call my rocket launcher guy. He’ll fix you up and the next time it happens the old dried up, bag of bones in front of you will be on the next train to cloudland!

Dear Euthanasist,

     If life is worth living what’s in it for me? I don’t mean to complain…

Signed,

Behind the 8 ball

Dear 8 ball,

          Learn to fire a shotgun with your big toe you whining sack of shit! In other words; go fuck yourself with extreme prejudice!

Dear Euthanasist,

          I was pushing my one-year-old in a stroller in Yellowstone National Park waiting for Old Faithful  to erupt when theses 2 gay gentlemen start going at in plain view of everybody. I was mortified.

Signed,

Disgusted with the view

Dear Disgusted,

        Just remember, In England yhey call it smoking a fag, in America they call it murder.

And finally,

Dear Euthanasist,

        I am a citizen in the free-est country in the free world, but lately I don’t feel so free. Gas is through the roof. Grocery prices are out of control and I’m ready to be foreclosed upon. I can’t even afford to get a cold with my rickety health plan. Somebody’s gotta pay, right?

Signed,

Squeezed to Death,

Dear Squeezed,

       I suggest you talk to your congressman first. When that doesn’t work put one behind his ear for 100% complete satisfaction.

PS You never heard it from me!